OK, it's time to purge.  Time to word vomit.  I'm sharing my feelings here because, well, they're my feelings and I want to share.  I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles about divorce and single parenting and I've realized that I'm not alone and so I want to share whats going on with us and with me in hopes of someone connecting to what I'm saying like I am with others.  If there is anyway I can help or support someone through my own journey then it makes every painful moment I have, not wasted.  So here goes.  Feel free to judge or whatever.  I honestly don't care.  I'd like to see you live my life better.

Someone asked me today if I was truly happier now that everything is over and final and some time has passed.  I really soaked that question and ruminated it over.  I choose not to compare then to now.  I have decided to only discuss now because the past is exactly that.  It's the past and over and we both know that the ship sunk so there's no need in rehashing what went wrong.  I've learned better ship building techniques.

So, what makes me happy about now?  I love sleeping alone in my freaking comfy bed!  I can have 8 or I can 0 pillows!  I sleep from one corner to the other and thrash and move as much as I want! I don't care if it's made.

I am happy with my glass of wine, sitting on my balcony in my beanbag chair and looking at the stars.  I love the quiet time to reflect and think about things that I can't during the day. It's a time to finally let all of the emotions of the day wash over me.  If I'm mad, I get mad.  If I'm sad, I get sad.  If I need to break into a million pieces and cry my eyes out, I pray the neighbors don't hear it.  This is my favorite part of the day.

I am happy snuggling with the kids on the couch watching the Princess Bride for 17 millionth time and eating highly processed junk food that will probably kill us.  I'm happy to settle an argument between Emily and Sara over whether this was a Greek myth or Roman myth.  I love hearing Cooper be a little brother and antagonize the crap out of his sisters.  I am happy walking into their bedroom at night and watching them sleep and snore.

I am happy with my friends!  When I need a smile, it's only a text away.  I could not have found a more perfect group of folks to share my days with.  They get me.  They get my dark and twisted sense of humor.  They get my days that I'm best not to be approached.  They have seen me in my best and helped steer me back from some of my not so great days.  I love these people like family.

I am happy with my family who has become fiercely protective over me.  They give me space when I need it and smother me when I need that as well.  No one likes to watch their children or family hurting but they always know the right thing to say when I need it.  They are always here to help.  Except for my brother who is a dirty rat bastard and wouldn't get the Christmas tree out of the attic for me!  Yeah, that's right Daniel!  I'm calling you out!  Although, I did make you walk around the house in a spica cast when your femur was broken and called you lazy when you wouldn't so maybe we're even now.

I have a million little things each day that make me happy.  I choose to be happy.  I choose to focus on the things each day that are good.  I choose to learn each day from the things that are bad.  I refuse to play the victim.  I've never understood that line of thinking.  If I don't like something, I change it.  This is not "happening to me".  I am making it happen.

So am I happier?  Again, that's a comparison that I'm not willing to participate in.  Am I happy?  Absolu-freaking-lutely!  I am happy because I am in charge of that shit!  No one is going to do it for me!