This is a long whiny blog.  It's mainly to help me process some things that I'm thinking, so if at any point you feel like slitting your own throat, for the love of God, please stop reading and go to Pinterest and browse for kitten pictures.  I don't need any more guilt and I honestly don't have time to deal with your funeral right now.  Mmm  kkkkk.  Disclaimer done.

I guess first I should discuss motivation.  What motivates you to do whatever it is that you're doing?  I think most people have some sort of motive in their parenting.  Some want to recreate the amazing childhood they had for their children.  Some want to make sure that their childhood does not repeat itself. 

Career wise, what motivates you to do well at your job?  Besides the paycheck and the fear of being canned.  If those are the only two motivators then you probably hate your job.  So, if you hate your job what motivates you to find one that you like?  What motivates you step off the ledge and do the unthinkable?

Well, I'll tell you what motivated me.  My mother is a nurse.  I remember the day her first patient died.  I remember her on the couch and broken.  I was in awe of her sympathy but also determined to not allow myself to be "hurt" like that.  In a strange way the calling started on that day, but I fought against it.

Skip forward 15 or so years and I'm sitting in a reproductive endocrinologists office and he's telling me I will never be able to get pregnant on my own.  (By the way, I need to have him meet Cooper.  I digress)  In true Christina form, if someone tells me no, you better have a good reason why.  I left his office not satisfied with his answer.  That's when it really began.

I immersed myself into studying the reproductive and endocrine systems.  It was consuming.  I became amazed by the symphony of events that would need to take place in order for a "healthy" person to conceive.  I had my answer to my question, and I also had a solution to my problem.  IVF.  I could "bypass" the problem and still get the result I wanted.  This prompted another research marathon into drugs and side effects and risks.   After MUCH debating, wringing of hands, "creative finance" situations, and considerations of ethics we went forward.  It was worth the fight. 

Pregnancy brought another level of research and that's when I started to really hear the little voice that said, "Hey, you could be getting paid to do this."  Nope.  I'm already 25.  That's too old to go to nursing school.  I've got an awesome job.  No need to give up something stable to go chasing after something that you don't know much about.  I quieted the voice until....

This is the part of the story that most people will say, "I had an amazing nurse in the hospital and blah, blah, blah."  Nope.  That is not my story.  Actually, I had a horrible L&D nurse for the twins delivery.  She had twins as well and I thought that we would connect that way, but nope.  She was bland and boring and I just got the feeling that she didn't really enjoy her job.  I like to think that maybe she was having a bad day, or she ran over a puppy and 12 kittens on the way to work.  I can excuse her with that.  I was very disappointed in her.  That's when it snapped in my head, "I can do better than that!"  And it was on!

***Another disclaimer:  My other L&D experiences at the hospital were AMAZING!!  Postpartum and the NICU were beyond words. 

So I say all that to let you know where A was.  That was point A.  I'm somewhere between part A and B right now.  B is Labor and Delivery.  Thankfully, closer to B than A, but some days it feels like I'm over on L.  My problem now is that I'm in Radiator Springs. 

Hate to use a Cars reference but that's where I'm headed.  I fell out the back of Mack and I'm stuck here in Radiator Springs.  It's hard to say stuck because I do truly love the job that I do.  I love my patients and the relationship that I can build with them.  Our office is experiencing some growing pains right now, but we have an amazing staff that work seamlessly together.  We have 0 drama in our office.   I could not ask for a better group to work with.  We are fortunate to work for a doctor that has incredible patience and enjoys teaching.  Not many doctors would take their office nurse/poo flinging monkey in to the OR and teach her to be somewhat useful.  (That's still up in the air because honestly I have no idea if I'm still a poo flinger or am actually useful!).  I guess what I'm saying is that I'm comfortable in somewhere I didn't expect to be at long. 

The plan was to not be comfortable here.  This was just supposed to be a pit stop to the way to B.  But what if this is B?  Can I deal with this being B?  I don't settle.  Will I eventually feel that I settled for this?  But even Lightning McQueen went on to win the Piston Cup.  If I go after my Piston Cup, I will have to give up Radiator Springs. 

Are you still here?  Have you slit your throat yet?  Should I call an ambulance.  Well, to I can't end the blog like that.  Here's something funny.