I've been meaning to do this for a while but I just haven't really had the heart. MySpace just isn't really the same without Cassandra. This is really how we kept in touch. I always knew what she was doing by her moods and status. Every day I think of things I want to tell her. Things the girls have done, something someone said in class or an improper use of your and you're. It still takes a little while for my brain to catch up with itself. Oh, yeah, she's gone.

The last 3 weeks have been filled with every emotion possible and right now I just really need to purge and get it all out of my head. I've started a hundred times to write this, but nothing I write seems to fit what's in my head. It's the stuff that Nicholas Sparks books are about. And then I remember that this would be the beginning of a Nicholas Sparks book, and that the book isn't finished yet. We're closing a chapter, but we're not done.

I loved her for so many reasons. First, because she loved my brother. Wholly, and completely loved him. She made him so happy, and he was everything to her. When Daniels appendix ruptured I kept in touch with her to let her know everything that was going on at the hospital. Chris had her on speaker phone when the doctor came out to tell us how the surgery went. This gurggling, squeeling noise came out of the phone. She was crying. It was the funniest thing, but I think she got mad because she thought we were making fun of her. It was just a funny non-human noise. Later on she thanked me for keeping her updated, and that Daniel was her world, and wouldn't know what to do if anything were to happen to him. I knew then that what they had was good.

I loved her for supporting me. She was excited for me to start nursing school. We would share school stories, and we both realized we've gotta get through the crap to get where we want to be.
I was proud to call her my sister-in-law. For about the last year I've been calling her that because they were practically married, and I got tired of saying my brothers girlfriend. I always joked because there was going to be a Dr. Crow, and anybody that knows our family knows what a strange juxtaposition that is.

Lately, my mind has been full of "what might have been". We had talked about wedding dresses, flowers, the cutest flower girls in the world, bridesmaid dresses, where the wedding was going to be, and Daniel and her had argued about colors. What do boys know about wedding colors anyway? I remember the look in Daniels eye when he told my Mom "You knows what happens after we get married right?". He was talking about more grandchildren for her.
Saturday night Daniel and her came over to show us the ring. She had a shirt on that said Got It!, but the O looked like a wedding ring. I asked her if she went and got a shirt made because she had finally gotten her ring. No, it was part of the wedding she was in that day. She had her hair done up, and was wearing the necklace from the wedding. I saw it on her finger before she said anything, but I was going to wait for her to tell us. I've not seen her that happy in a long time.

Here is where my mind has been truly cruel to me. We talked about where the wedding was going to be. She wanted Wynne Chapel, but she didn't know if she knew enough people to have it there. At her funeral, Wynne Chapel was packed. She said she wanted Stargazer Lillies, but real flowers were very expensive. There probably wasn't a Stargazer Lilly left in Grayson County after her funeral. Sunday afternoon, Mom and I were looking for flower girl dresses, and dresses for Mom to wear to the wedding. Tuesday afternoon, Mom and I were shopping for her a black dress.

I miss her dearly, and my heart is broken for my brother. Also, for George and Jeannette and Chris. You know in your mind that you are going to have to bury your parents. You've been preparing yourself your whole life for that moment. But you can not prepare to lose a child, your sister, or the love of your life. We will heal. Daniel will heal and move on in his life, but George and Jeannette do not get another daughter, and Chris does not get another sister.

There will always be a little place in my heart where Cassandra lives. It's decorated with pink and brown, and she and Gatsby are rockin' out to Journey.