OK, it's time to purge. Time to word vomit. I'm sharing my feelings here because, well, they're my feelings and I want to share. I have been reading a lot of blogs and articles about divorce and single parenting and I've realized that I'm not alone and so I want to share whats going on with us and with me in hopes of someone connecting to what I'm saying like I am with others. If there is anyway I can help or support someone through my own journey then it makes every painful moment I have, not wasted. So here goes. Feel free to judge or whatever. I honestly don't care. I'd like to see you live my life better.
Someone asked me today if I was truly happier now that everything is over and final and some time has passed. I really soaked that question and ruminated it over. I choose not to compare then to now. I have decided to only discuss now because the past is exactly that. It's the past and over and we both know that the ship sunk so there's no need in rehashing what went wrong. I've learned better ship building techniques.
So, what makes me happy about now? I love sleeping alone in my freaking comfy bed! I can have 8 or I can 0 pillows! I sleep from one corner to the other and thrash and move as much as I want! I don't care if it's made.
I am happy with my glass of wine, sitting on my balcony in my beanbag chair and looking at the stars. I love the quiet time to reflect and think about things that I can't during the day. It's a time to finally let all of the emotions of the day wash over me. If I'm mad, I get mad. If I'm sad, I get sad. If I need to break into a million pieces and cry my eyes out, I pray the neighbors don't hear it. This is my favorite part of the day.
I am happy snuggling with the kids on the couch watching the Princess Bride for 17 millionth time and eating highly processed junk food that will probably kill us. I'm happy to settle an argument between Emily and Sara over whether this was a Greek myth or Roman myth. I love hearing Cooper be a little brother and antagonize the crap out of his sisters. I am happy walking into their bedroom at night and watching them sleep and snore.
I am happy with my friends! When I need a smile, it's only a text away. I could not have found a more perfect group of folks to share my days with. They get me. They get my dark and twisted sense of humor. They get my days that I'm best not to be approached. They have seen me in my best and helped steer me back from some of my not so great days. I love these people like family.
I am happy with my family who has become fiercely protective over me. They give me space when I need it and smother me when I need that as well. No one likes to watch their children or family hurting but they always know the right thing to say when I need it. They are always here to help. Except for my brother who is a dirty rat bastard and wouldn't get the Christmas tree out of the attic for me! Yeah, that's right Daniel! I'm calling you out! Although, I did make you walk around the house in a spica cast when your femur was broken and called you lazy when you wouldn't so maybe we're even now.
I have a million little things each day that make me happy. I choose to be happy. I choose to focus on the things each day that are good. I choose to learn each day from the things that are bad. I refuse to play the victim. I've never understood that line of thinking. If I don't like something, I change it. This is not "happening to me". I am making it happen.
So am I happier? Again, that's a comparison that I'm not willing to participate in. Am I happy? Absolu-freaking-lutely! I am happy because I am in charge of that shit! No one is going to do it for me!
I like to keep it real. So, I'm about to get real. This is my side of the story.
I've recently self-inflicted myself with the role of "single mom". Jeremy and I have been separated for awhile and the divorce has been filed. There was no sentinel event or even a spot when you can think back and say "Yep, that's when it started to unravel". It was just a slow burn and then finally a realization that it's just not working. And then another realization that it's OK to just say it's not working. And then acceptance that it's just not working.
We are not bad people. We are not failures. We are just humans that are growing and changing and learning who we are. Jeremy is a great person. He is fiercely loyal and is an excellent father to our children. We are going to raise our children together but apart. There will be no drama. Neither of us will tolerate it from the other. He is still a part of my family.
The kids are doing well. I am amazed by their resilience. We answer questions honestly. We do not keep secrets. We have open lines of communications both ways. There have been some sad and trying moments but we experience them and move on.
I'm not writing this as a "woe as me" post but rather to bring everyone on to the same page. I hate gossip and believe me when I say that if you did not hear it from me or Jeremy, it's probably not true.
With all that said, I'm moving on. I'm hoping to use my blog as an outlet for grieving and growing and sharing with all of you the exploits of "single mom" life. I hate the phrase "single mom". It elicits a feeling of pity almost. Do not pity me. I am doing well. I am capable of keeping myself financially secure. I am here for my kids. I am working on ways to keep myself busy. (Posts on my crafting disasters are sure to follow.) I am enjoying my alone time and I am meeting some pretty neat people in the process.
I've been thinking a lot about the last year and am amazed at what I have accomplished. I have not one, but two amazing jobs. I love working for a plastic surgeon and I love working in women's services. I have two jobs that are both highly sought after positions. Both of my crews are like family. I am so grateful for them both because they have supported me through some tough times the last couple of months. I could not ask for better people. If you're reading this, I love you guys. Truly. Even when I'm glaring at you like I want to kill you and am fantasizing about it in my head.
The kids and I have a comfortable place to live and reliable transportation. I am proud that I can provide safety and security for them. On my own. The Little Miss Independent in me is so thankful for the education I sought. I see so many women who are not capable or able to make it on their own and are trapped. I'll be damned if that was going to happen to me. Any future relationship of mine will be based on a want rather than a need. I am comfortable on my own.
I'm excited to see where the next year takes us. I'll keep you posted.
I've recently self-inflicted myself with the role of "single mom". Jeremy and I have been separated for awhile and the divorce has been filed. There was no sentinel event or even a spot when you can think back and say "Yep, that's when it started to unravel". It was just a slow burn and then finally a realization that it's just not working. And then another realization that it's OK to just say it's not working. And then acceptance that it's just not working.
We are not bad people. We are not failures. We are just humans that are growing and changing and learning who we are. Jeremy is a great person. He is fiercely loyal and is an excellent father to our children. We are going to raise our children together but apart. There will be no drama. Neither of us will tolerate it from the other. He is still a part of my family.
The kids are doing well. I am amazed by their resilience. We answer questions honestly. We do not keep secrets. We have open lines of communications both ways. There have been some sad and trying moments but we experience them and move on.
I'm not writing this as a "woe as me" post but rather to bring everyone on to the same page. I hate gossip and believe me when I say that if you did not hear it from me or Jeremy, it's probably not true.
With all that said, I'm moving on. I'm hoping to use my blog as an outlet for grieving and growing and sharing with all of you the exploits of "single mom" life. I hate the phrase "single mom". It elicits a feeling of pity almost. Do not pity me. I am doing well. I am capable of keeping myself financially secure. I am here for my kids. I am working on ways to keep myself busy. (Posts on my crafting disasters are sure to follow.) I am enjoying my alone time and I am meeting some pretty neat people in the process.
I've been thinking a lot about the last year and am amazed at what I have accomplished. I have not one, but two amazing jobs. I love working for a plastic surgeon and I love working in women's services. I have two jobs that are both highly sought after positions. Both of my crews are like family. I am so grateful for them both because they have supported me through some tough times the last couple of months. I could not ask for better people. If you're reading this, I love you guys. Truly. Even when I'm glaring at you like I want to kill you and am fantasizing about it in my head.
The kids and I have a comfortable place to live and reliable transportation. I am proud that I can provide safety and security for them. On my own. The Little Miss Independent in me is so thankful for the education I sought. I see so many women who are not capable or able to make it on their own and are trapped. I'll be damned if that was going to happen to me. Any future relationship of mine will be based on a want rather than a need. I am comfortable on my own.
I'm excited to see where the next year takes us. I'll keep you posted.
This year has been a turd. It really has. So, I'm forcing myself to sit down and recount some of the more positive aspects of the year. Enjoy!!
10. I got to work with my Courtney again.
I know a lot of you don't understand this one, but I had to say goodbye to my Courtney in February because she moved away back to the big city. While there were times that I wanted to strangle my Courtney to death with my tiny fists of fury, I always knew she had my back. I mean look at her... She's pure awesomeness! There's plenty of laughing when I'm workin' with my Courtney. And yes, I do always refer to her as MY Courtney.
9. Coldplay Concert
This is not my video, but it gives you an idea of the awesomeness!! Leigh Ann and I had wanted to go to the concert, but waited too late to buy tickets. Leigh Ann won tickets from Sirius XM Radio, but still couldn't go because she had planned a vacation that weekend. Jeremy and I went and it was fun. Jeremy could not name a single Coldplay song but still enjoyed it. It was pure entertainment! I love concerts. There's just something about physically feeling the music in you! The bass pounds in your soul! The quickest way to my heart is through music. I've always connected to it. If I need to remember something, I usually put it to a tune. There's always a song playing in my head, even if it's a corny commercial. The Mylo Xyloto album was my favorite purchase this year. Paradise and Up in Flames speak volumes to me. Cheesy, yes. Coldplay is too commercial? Who cares. I'm not a music snob. It's obvious from my iTunes account.
8. Camping
I spent MANY a weekend at the lake when I was younger, but I realized this summer that my kids have never been camping! My parents bought a travel trailer (I ain't doin' that tent crap.) and we spent a weekend roughing it. OK, it wasn't exactly rough. We did sleep in actual beds and watched DVD's in the air conditioned camper but it was the spirit of being in nature that counted right?! It was during the fall so we couldn't go swimming but the kids did splash around a bit! Next year, we will spend more time camping. For sure!
7. Competition Dance
We had a lot of fun traveling with Sara this spring and summer for her Bumblebee Dance. We went to OKC, Ft. Worth, Dallas and Arlington. I had a blast watching the other dance parents. That is some GOOD people watching! Sara became more confident each time we went out on the road. Emily got creative supporting her sister and was quite patient through the whole ordeal. OKC was a minivacation and we look forward to going back TWICE this year! We met lots of neat people and made new friends!
6. Big Nerd, RN
I finished my ADN and passed my boards for my RN! It wasn't easy and it required a lot of sacrifice for me and my family but it is done. Well, almost. Still working on my bachelors but I've got those 2 letters behind my name now!
5. We did THIS a lot!
4. To Kill A Mockingbird
We went to watch To Kill A Mockingbird at the movies with my Dad. One of my favorite books and Dads favorite movies. It started with some background about the movie and how it was made. It was neat to experience it on the big screen and was a nice reminder of some positives that have happened since that time but it was also a little sad to think that our world is so much scarier now.
3. Lubbock
Mom went with me to my clinical (CPNE) in Lubbock. The school that I did my RN transition through requires a weekend clinical experience. The closest place to do it is Lubbock. It was one of the most stressful experiences of my LIFE! The clinical costs over $2000 to take, which only adds to the stress because it's a big investment. In the traditional brick and mortar school transition, if you forget a step in your neuro assessment your clinical instructor glares at you but you get to try again tomorrow. In my program if you miss a step in your neuro assessment you go home and your $2000 goes down the toilet and you get to wait 6 more months to try it again. Mom has been through the CPNE before so I drug her with me to cheer me on. We should not be allowed to travel on our own. This whole weekend constitutes its own blog because it was hilarious. At the time I wanted to cry, but couldn't because I was laughing the whole time. Thank you Mom for being my rock during the whole weekend and letting me sleep when I needed it, and from rescuing us from the Roach Motel, and holding my hand during "crash landing", digging the keys out of the trash can and for sitting in the airport for hours with me.
2. Oh and this!
1. Every day
The best part of 2012 was that I was able to wake up every day and spend it with the ones I love. I was reminded again this year that your next breath is not guaranteed and each of these tiny moments are a gift. I must use them wisely. I should encourage a friend, say I love you a lot, say it too much, teach my children to be strong and wise and not forsake one for the other, show them what hard work can accomplish, kiss more, be more goofy (is that possible?), help those who are hurting, listen more, talk less, dance more, spend less, don't question motives and say Yes more.
10. I got to work with my Courtney again.
9. Coldplay Concert
8. Camping
 |
| The Buzzing Bumblebees |
6. Big Nerd, RN
I finished my ADN and passed my boards for my RN! It wasn't easy and it required a lot of sacrifice for me and my family but it is done. Well, almost. Still working on my bachelors but I've got those 2 letters behind my name now!
5. We did THIS a lot!
4. To Kill A Mockingbird
We went to watch To Kill A Mockingbird at the movies with my Dad. One of my favorite books and Dads favorite movies. It started with some background about the movie and how it was made. It was neat to experience it on the big screen and was a nice reminder of some positives that have happened since that time but it was also a little sad to think that our world is so much scarier now.
3. Lubbock
Mom went with me to my clinical (CPNE) in Lubbock. The school that I did my RN transition through requires a weekend clinical experience. The closest place to do it is Lubbock. It was one of the most stressful experiences of my LIFE! The clinical costs over $2000 to take, which only adds to the stress because it's a big investment. In the traditional brick and mortar school transition, if you forget a step in your neuro assessment your clinical instructor glares at you but you get to try again tomorrow. In my program if you miss a step in your neuro assessment you go home and your $2000 goes down the toilet and you get to wait 6 more months to try it again. Mom has been through the CPNE before so I drug her with me to cheer me on. We should not be allowed to travel on our own. This whole weekend constitutes its own blog because it was hilarious. At the time I wanted to cry, but couldn't because I was laughing the whole time. Thank you Mom for being my rock during the whole weekend and letting me sleep when I needed it, and from rescuing us from the Roach Motel, and holding my hand during "crash landing", digging the keys out of the trash can and for sitting in the airport for hours with me.
2. Oh and this!
The best part of 2012 was that I was able to wake up every day and spend it with the ones I love. I was reminded again this year that your next breath is not guaranteed and each of these tiny moments are a gift. I must use them wisely. I should encourage a friend, say I love you a lot, say it too much, teach my children to be strong and wise and not forsake one for the other, show them what hard work can accomplish, kiss more, be more goofy (is that possible?), help those who are hurting, listen more, talk less, dance more, spend less, don't question motives and say Yes more.
Hello everyone. Welcome to group therapy. Today's topic: Back to school. Gather 'round lets all cry or rejoice in the fact that our children are heading to or back to school.
This is my first back to school with the girl and pretty depressed about it. I don't feel like we've done much this summer. Actually the only "fun" thing we did was go to Hurricane Harbor and I'm really surprised we didn't come back with some sort of flesh eating bacteria. I got to spend a lot of days with them though with my work schedule but I was so exhausted from working the day before that I didn't feel like I was really there.
This summer just sucked. All of the "exciting changes" from May all turned out to be bombs. Jeremy is back at the school district. He was fortunate to be able to get his old job back. I figured out that I was in a place...ummm....well....let me just say, I am not where I thought I would be at this point. Things did not work out at the hospital and I now have a position back at an OB/GYN. I'm excited about the position, but it comes with another problem. It's 60 miles away which is the main reason I'm in a funk about school.
Last year I was able to drop the girls off at school or go to lunch with them every once in a while. I could pick them up every Friday. I loved my morning drop off time. We had some pretty meaningful conversations on the way to school. I loved kissing them and sending them off for a good day. Now, they won't even be awake when I leave on most days.
The job market for RN's in an OB/GYN office or for a new graduate in a hospital working with anything that has to do with OB is not real good these days and I couldn't really be picky on where I worked. But, I was fortunate to find a neat office that is actually growing and seems to be lots of opportunities within the company. It's bigger than what I've previously worked. It just seems exciting. BUT, its 60 miles away.
I'm 60 miles away from kids if something happens. I spend two hours a day driving to and from work. That's 2 hours extra away from my family each day. What if I really like it though? What sacrifice am I willing to make? Do I sacrifice the time away from my family everyday or do I ask my family to sacrifice their comfortable, secure, familiar surroundings just so that I can be closer to work? Do I stay in Sherman and take a job that I'm not as interested in in hopes of getting this family time back? Could I force myself to love "dermatology"? I hate this pickle that I'm in.
Sometimes I'm really hard on myself for not making the hospital job work out. Then I slap myself around and remind myself that it would not have worked. Ever. I really missed getting to KNOW my patients. Seeing a patient for 12 hours AT NIGHT wasn't going to cut it for me. You can't get to know people at night! They're sleeping for cripes sakes! And that was another problem. They're all sleeping!! Which means I have to find some way to keep myself busy for extended amounts of time each night. I'm not the type of person that can be happy playing around on the internet or reading a book. When I'm at work, I want to work. My last job, I was SLAMMED all the time and I liked it. My ADD liked it. Just knowing that I would have "free time" at work each night gave me MAJOR anxiety.
Cooper turns 3 tomorrow. Where did my little boy go? Every day I look at him and he is becoming more of a boy and less of a baby. He's started a new day care that has a lot more kids his own age and his vocabulary has really picked up. He's still super sweet and cuddly and down right ornery. He picks up every doodle bug he sees and carries it with him. My car looks like a doodle bug graveyard and there's no telling how many I have washed in his short pockets. And such a polite boy, always please and thank you and, bless you and excuse me. Except when he toots and it's just HAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
He is my last baby. Not that I in any way shape or form actually want another baby. I do not want another baby. I just wish I could have another day with my babies. Listen to Sara's tiny baby yawns, Emily's baby screams, Coopers excited "grunts", the girls giggling at each other, singing "Banana Pancakes" to the girls when I would wake them up in the mornings, swaddling Emily and Sara SO TIGHT because it was the only way they would fall asleep and they had to sleep in the same crib, the smell of all of their little baby heads.
I'm just rambling now...Who's next?
This is my first back to school with the girl and pretty depressed about it. I don't feel like we've done much this summer. Actually the only "fun" thing we did was go to Hurricane Harbor and I'm really surprised we didn't come back with some sort of flesh eating bacteria. I got to spend a lot of days with them though with my work schedule but I was so exhausted from working the day before that I didn't feel like I was really there.
This summer just sucked. All of the "exciting changes" from May all turned out to be bombs. Jeremy is back at the school district. He was fortunate to be able to get his old job back. I figured out that I was in a place...ummm....well....let me just say, I am not where I thought I would be at this point. Things did not work out at the hospital and I now have a position back at an OB/GYN. I'm excited about the position, but it comes with another problem. It's 60 miles away which is the main reason I'm in a funk about school.
Last year I was able to drop the girls off at school or go to lunch with them every once in a while. I could pick them up every Friday. I loved my morning drop off time. We had some pretty meaningful conversations on the way to school. I loved kissing them and sending them off for a good day. Now, they won't even be awake when I leave on most days.
The job market for RN's in an OB/GYN office or for a new graduate in a hospital working with anything that has to do with OB is not real good these days and I couldn't really be picky on where I worked. But, I was fortunate to find a neat office that is actually growing and seems to be lots of opportunities within the company. It's bigger than what I've previously worked. It just seems exciting. BUT, its 60 miles away.
I'm 60 miles away from kids if something happens. I spend two hours a day driving to and from work. That's 2 hours extra away from my family each day. What if I really like it though? What sacrifice am I willing to make? Do I sacrifice the time away from my family everyday or do I ask my family to sacrifice their comfortable, secure, familiar surroundings just so that I can be closer to work? Do I stay in Sherman and take a job that I'm not as interested in in hopes of getting this family time back? Could I force myself to love "dermatology"? I hate this pickle that I'm in.
Sometimes I'm really hard on myself for not making the hospital job work out. Then I slap myself around and remind myself that it would not have worked. Ever. I really missed getting to KNOW my patients. Seeing a patient for 12 hours AT NIGHT wasn't going to cut it for me. You can't get to know people at night! They're sleeping for cripes sakes! And that was another problem. They're all sleeping!! Which means I have to find some way to keep myself busy for extended amounts of time each night. I'm not the type of person that can be happy playing around on the internet or reading a book. When I'm at work, I want to work. My last job, I was SLAMMED all the time and I liked it. My ADD liked it. Just knowing that I would have "free time" at work each night gave me MAJOR anxiety.
Cooper turns 3 tomorrow. Where did my little boy go? Every day I look at him and he is becoming more of a boy and less of a baby. He's started a new day care that has a lot more kids his own age and his vocabulary has really picked up. He's still super sweet and cuddly and down right ornery. He picks up every doodle bug he sees and carries it with him. My car looks like a doodle bug graveyard and there's no telling how many I have washed in his short pockets. And such a polite boy, always please and thank you and, bless you and excuse me. Except when he toots and it's just HAHAHAHAAAAA!!!
He is my last baby. Not that I in any way shape or form actually want another baby. I do not want another baby. I just wish I could have another day with my babies. Listen to Sara's tiny baby yawns, Emily's baby screams, Coopers excited "grunts", the girls giggling at each other, singing "Banana Pancakes" to the girls when I would wake them up in the mornings, swaddling Emily and Sara SO TIGHT because it was the only way they would fall asleep and they had to sleep in the same crib, the smell of all of their little baby heads.
I'm just rambling now...Who's next?
I screamed in my kitchen this morning. It was a scream of pure satisfaction. It was a carnal scream. You see, I had just tasted something that
both filled the void within and also brought me back to my school days.
Things are crappy for Christina right now. When things get crappy, I like to eat. Who doesn’t?
The more carbs, the better. I
swear somewhere there is a carbs:happiness ratio that has been developed by
Frito Lay and Little Debbie to help silence that evil inner voice. 270 Cheese Puffs = forget that your checking
account is depressing. 1 Box of Star
Crunch = Forget that you’re practically unemployed. 1 can bean dip= silence the non-stop
questions of a darling 6 year old.
I am healthy. My
family is healthy. I am loved. The
people that I love are here. I have a
roof over my head and groceries in the fridge (that is still working!) Yes, according to Maslow, my needs are being
met. Some super annoying things are
happening lately that are driving me to consume mass quantities. Let’s review:
- Low census is wreaking havoc on my paycheck. This is not a problem unique to just me. Our entire unit is out. I blame myself (not for the low census. That was a problem that started way before me) for accepting this job. I knew that things were not going well before I took the job, but I did not know it was this bad. This makes me very sad because this is a great group of ladies, and I enjoy working with all of them.
- I’m out of honey roasted Peter Pan Peanut Butter.
- My phone is gone. My LIFE was on that phone. I had recently updated so most of the important stuff is backed up on my iTunes, but all of my pics and videos from Coldplay are gone! I’m using Jeremy’s phone for now because you can’t be applying for jobs and NOT have a phone available. “Please hire me, but I can’t be reached by phone right now. Just throw up the Bat Signal and I’ll be on my way.”
- The dishwasher is broke. There is water pooling in the bottom. I’m not a plumber. I have no idea what’s going on. I do know that it does no smell yummy in there.
- My glasses are broke. They will not stay on my head. I have contacts but I swear they feel like wearing Saran Wrap on my eyeball.
- My laptop will not stay connected to the internet. There’s not a problem with my router because I can still get on wireless with the Wii and my phone.
- I can’t find my car keys. New Honda keys are about the price of my rent each month!!
-
STILL waiting on my GN permit and NCLEX ATT from
the Board of Nursing. This will make job
hunting a lot easier. I’m kinda stuck
until I can prove I’m licensed.
I know this sounds horribly whiney
but it’s what’s going on with us right now.
I love having the time off with the kids though. I’m getting some cleaning done and getting
rid of some stuff for when we make a move.
I don’t like feeling idle. The
last couple of years have been terribly busy, so I guess I should look at this
as my time to slow down and enjoy not having to do anything!
So, back to my scream. I was
feeling a bit nostalgic and remembered those Peanut Butter Bars that they used
to serve at the schools. Those would be
my lunch most days, just those Peanut Butter Bars. Then I remembered that I had seen someone had
posted the recipe on Facebook. I had all
of the ingredients in my pantry, so I tried them out. They were JUST like I remembered. It was AMAZING! I am so glad my children will
get to experience the greatness of the peanut butter bars since they can’t be
served in the schools anymore. I’m also
thankful that we don’t have to worry about any allergies in our house. Accept for our allergy to BS.
Big, big, big, big changes in the Shelton house lately. Jeremy and I have both started new jobs. Jeremy left the school district after the 3rd consecutive year of PAY DECREASE. We are sad about this because Jeremy truly enjoyed his job and those he worked with but could not deal with receiving less pay each year due to changes in insurance premiums. We don't see ANY changes in that coming any time soon, so he decided it was time to move on. It's something new for him and I hope he will enjoy it.
I started my full-time job at the hospital yesterday. It has proved to be very difficult for me to leave my office job behind. I've been with Dr. Cutler for almost 3 years and have gotten close to a lot of my patients. We left a group practice and burnt our own trail and I feel a sort of protection over the thing that we all built together. My work came home with me. It was not uncommon to send an 8 o'clock text message to someone. "Did you remember this? " or " You need to be there at 7:30am." We all had a sense of ownership in what we were doing and we wanted to make sure we were doing right by our patients, by our co-workers and by ourselves. They were part of my family.
Dr. Cutler taught me SO, SO, SO much. And only half of it was work related. You can't be around him without learning something. Anyone that spends more than 30 seconds around him will leave with some sort of enrichment. He has insane patience. He always allowed me to put my education first even when it interrupted what I was doing for him. He never gripped about any time that I was away from work because of school and even pushed me out the door a few times to go study. He understood where I was going and why I was pushing myself so hard. He had done it for himself a few years ago.
It's weird to say that one of my best friends is a 40-something year old gynecologist but he is. He's family. And like all families, we have argued and fought. There were times that I didn't like him but I've always loved him. I worry that he spends too much of himself for the cause. Its what makes him a kick ass doctor but also what drains him. Don't bother telling him that though because he's also hard headed.
I'm going to miss the relationships that you get to build with people when you're seeing them for 9 months! We get to know you, your husband, your mom, your best friend that comes to appointments with you. We laugh and we cry together and we are all honored to be a part of one of the biggest milestones in your life. I have been touched by so many patients. Some of them touch my hearts and some of them stomp on my brain.
So, I would like to leave some words of wisdom and share some nuggets of information that I've learned while being an office OB/GYN nurse:
1. Pregnancy sucks. There is nothing that is remotely fun about being pregnant. The only fun part of being pregnant is getting pregnant. The fun stops there. Well, hopefully it was fun. For some people it might have been "Meh" and now you're stuck being pregnant. You pee on yourself, you throw up, it hurts. Pregnancy hurts. If you didn't know that let me be the first to tell you. Do you know why it hurts? Because there is another human being that is growing inside of you!
2. Don't come up in my office with tattoos and 14 piercings talking about "I'm scared of needles! Hold my hand!!" when I'm trying to draw your blood. Believe me, this tiny blood draw is nothing compared to what's going to happen to you when that spawn has cooked long enough.
3. Don't call the office saying you're cramping/contracting at 32 weeks and then show up with pee-pee that looks like beer (Raising my own hand, guilty as charged, bowing head in shame). Your uterus gets pissed off when you don't water it. A pissed off uterus contracts. Please spare yourself nasty looks and eye rolling from L&D nurses all over the country and hydrate yourself.
4. You don't get an ultrasound at every appointment and don't try to tell me that your insurance will pay for ultrasounds. Insurance pays for MEDICALLY NECESSARY ULTRASOUNDS. You are more than welcome to pay for a quick peek but trying to brow beat the poor MA into taking you to the sono room will only piss her off. See number 2, she will be the one doing that. Which brings me to...
5. Don't piss off the lady who is about to stick a needle in your arm. I would have thought that was common sense, but apparently not.
6. Don't go into long detail about what's going on with your who-ha to the receptionist. You don't need to tell the person answering the phone that you haven't had a yeast infection this bad since the summer of '92 after that long weekend you had on your brand new boat that you got a good deal on at the boat show. Be short and to the point. If you feel that you need to be seen today, then make that known, or if you're not happy with the time frame of your appointment ask to speak with the MA.
7. Do know why you are there. There is nothing more annoying than asking why someone is there and they say "I don't know". Don't look to your mommy for the answer either. Your mommy is not the patient. You are. If you're old enough to be at GYN then you're old enough to answer questions.
8. Your baby, that is still in the womb, will not choke on something that you eat. That's all I have to say about that.
9. If you have Medicaid don't come into the office with your nails and hair did, a Fendi purse, iPhone 4S, iPad, driving a nicer car than the doctor and a bad attitude. Nothing infuriates those of us who are paying for you to have your baby than a sense of entitlement. All of those things may have been a gift, and if that's so then you should be in a better mood!
I started my full-time job at the hospital yesterday. It has proved to be very difficult for me to leave my office job behind. I've been with Dr. Cutler for almost 3 years and have gotten close to a lot of my patients. We left a group practice and burnt our own trail and I feel a sort of protection over the thing that we all built together. My work came home with me. It was not uncommon to send an 8 o'clock text message to someone. "Did you remember this? " or " You need to be there at 7:30am." We all had a sense of ownership in what we were doing and we wanted to make sure we were doing right by our patients, by our co-workers and by ourselves. They were part of my family.
Dr. Cutler taught me SO, SO, SO much. And only half of it was work related. You can't be around him without learning something. Anyone that spends more than 30 seconds around him will leave with some sort of enrichment. He has insane patience. He always allowed me to put my education first even when it interrupted what I was doing for him. He never gripped about any time that I was away from work because of school and even pushed me out the door a few times to go study. He understood where I was going and why I was pushing myself so hard. He had done it for himself a few years ago.
It's weird to say that one of my best friends is a 40-something year old gynecologist but he is. He's family. And like all families, we have argued and fought. There were times that I didn't like him but I've always loved him. I worry that he spends too much of himself for the cause. Its what makes him a kick ass doctor but also what drains him. Don't bother telling him that though because he's also hard headed.
I'm going to miss the relationships that you get to build with people when you're seeing them for 9 months! We get to know you, your husband, your mom, your best friend that comes to appointments with you. We laugh and we cry together and we are all honored to be a part of one of the biggest milestones in your life. I have been touched by so many patients. Some of them touch my hearts and some of them stomp on my brain.
So, I would like to leave some words of wisdom and share some nuggets of information that I've learned while being an office OB/GYN nurse:
1. Pregnancy sucks. There is nothing that is remotely fun about being pregnant. The only fun part of being pregnant is getting pregnant. The fun stops there. Well, hopefully it was fun. For some people it might have been "Meh" and now you're stuck being pregnant. You pee on yourself, you throw up, it hurts. Pregnancy hurts. If you didn't know that let me be the first to tell you. Do you know why it hurts? Because there is another human being that is growing inside of you!
2. Don't come up in my office with tattoos and 14 piercings talking about "I'm scared of needles! Hold my hand!!" when I'm trying to draw your blood. Believe me, this tiny blood draw is nothing compared to what's going to happen to you when that spawn has cooked long enough.
3. Don't call the office saying you're cramping/contracting at 32 weeks and then show up with pee-pee that looks like beer (Raising my own hand, guilty as charged, bowing head in shame). Your uterus gets pissed off when you don't water it. A pissed off uterus contracts. Please spare yourself nasty looks and eye rolling from L&D nurses all over the country and hydrate yourself.
4. You don't get an ultrasound at every appointment and don't try to tell me that your insurance will pay for ultrasounds. Insurance pays for MEDICALLY NECESSARY ULTRASOUNDS. You are more than welcome to pay for a quick peek but trying to brow beat the poor MA into taking you to the sono room will only piss her off. See number 2, she will be the one doing that. Which brings me to...
5. Don't piss off the lady who is about to stick a needle in your arm. I would have thought that was common sense, but apparently not.
6. Don't go into long detail about what's going on with your who-ha to the receptionist. You don't need to tell the person answering the phone that you haven't had a yeast infection this bad since the summer of '92 after that long weekend you had on your brand new boat that you got a good deal on at the boat show. Be short and to the point. If you feel that you need to be seen today, then make that known, or if you're not happy with the time frame of your appointment ask to speak with the MA.
7. Do know why you are there. There is nothing more annoying than asking why someone is there and they say "I don't know". Don't look to your mommy for the answer either. Your mommy is not the patient. You are. If you're old enough to be at GYN then you're old enough to answer questions.
8. Your baby, that is still in the womb, will not choke on something that you eat. That's all I have to say about that.
9. If you have Medicaid don't come into the office with your nails and hair did, a Fendi purse, iPhone 4S, iPad, driving a nicer car than the doctor and a bad attitude. Nothing infuriates those of us who are paying for you to have your baby than a sense of entitlement. All of those things may have been a gift, and if that's so then you should be in a better mood!
Today is the last Friday of the school year and I'm as full of emotion now as I was the day they started. Last summer was full of dread. You know that your whole life as you know it is about to change with homework, new friends, new fears and all that. It's the milestone that really sets in your mind that you don't have babies anymore, they're children. My fears were multiplied by TWO!! Now, I'm overwhelmed by how fast it has all gone and how much they have changed in the last 9 months.
I can not say how much I love Ms. Daniels. She is exactly what Emily needed. She is VERY creative and celebrated Emi's imagination. She helped give Emily the tools she needed to take her stories out of her head and put them to paper. She also recommended Emi for the kindergarten Challenge class which is an enrichment program for gifted and talented students. This class helps students by bringing them into some deeper learning experiences, as well as expanding off of skills they learn in their home rooms. I'm super proud of her for this because I was in Challenge classes in elementary school as well, and I remember those fun experiences and am so glad she will get to enjoy that too. She tells us that Emily was a joy to have, but believe me when I say the joy was all ours.
Let me echo what I said for Emily, by saying that Mrs. Mazzant was EXACTLY what Sara needed. Sara is easily distracted and can be easily wound up. Mrs. Mazzant is quiet and loving and attentive. When Sara started to slip with her numbers, Mrs. Mazzant found her a tutor to help. She helped me realize and develop different teaching strategies with Sara. I personally learn the same way Emily does: quick. Sara doesn't. She needs repetition and patience. Mrs. Mazzant helped me with ways to help Sara. Sara says daily how much she is going to miss her. It often ends with both of us crying about it.
They have both made a lot of new friends this year that I hope we will stay in touch with through the summer. Some days I hate living in this small town that I grew up in. Most days though I think it's neat to see the kids of some of my friends growing up and thinking about us when we roamed these school halls. That's usually when I start to freak out and start researching home schooling!
They have both made a lot of new friends this year that I hope we will stay in touch with through the summer. Some days I hate living in this small town that I grew up in. Most days though I think it's neat to see the kids of some of my friends growing up and thinking about us when we roamed these school halls. That's usually when I start to freak out and start researching home schooling!
I'm very angry tonight. I've already experienced shock and sadness, and now I'm in full blown anger. Federal laws prohibit me from disclosing the details, but let me just say that I HATE cancer. I hate it.
I hate it's quietness. I hate what it steals from families. I hate that there is so much that we know, but still so far away from cures. I hate that there might actually be cures and treatments but it can sometimes take up to 20 years for it to be approved by the FDA.
I want to look at every cancer patient and promise them that they will be OK, but I can't. I know that they might not be OK. I know that if they survive, they will forever be changed. I know that the life that they once knew or that they had hoped and dreamed for is not theirs anymore. I hate it.
I hate it's quietness. I hate what it steals from families. I hate that there is so much that we know, but still so far away from cures. I hate that there might actually be cures and treatments but it can sometimes take up to 20 years for it to be approved by the FDA.
I want to look at every cancer patient and promise them that they will be OK, but I can't. I know that they might not be OK. I know that if they survive, they will forever be changed. I know that the life that they once knew or that they had hoped and dreamed for is not theirs anymore. I hate it.
Yesterday I conceded to being young and hip. I resigned to the fact that I am neither of those things. I am inching into middle age, and I have NEVER been hip. It's amazing to have that weight lifted off my shoulders. Such delusions of grandeur are never productive. So, to help myself swallow that jagged little pill, I made a major purchase. I bought a minivan.
Yes, it is one of the AWESOME ones but it still doesn't change the fact that it is one of the things that I said I would NEVER do. (I've stuck my foot in my mouth a lot lately with the NEVER things, ie: I would NEVER work for a place that involved any sort of nepotism (I am thoroughly enjoying this one. Susan Alexander is AMAZING. She is truly darling and I love her to PIECES!) It's a Honda Odyssey. It's beautiful, and big, and safe, and has BLUETOOTH and XM satellite radio (I choked up a little bit when I programmed the 90's station) and totally awesome back up camera! How freakin' cool is THAT! Tahoe didn't have THAT! Pilot didn't have THAT!
Everyone has a seat. It doesn't take 5 minutes to load everyone and find their seat belt plug in thingies. I don't worry about the girls being in the third row because there is space between the third row and the back of the car. It has 5 star crash ratings on front and rear collisions and safety features to boot. Cooper doesn't kick the back of my seat when I'm driving.
Buying the car was a nightmare. Why can't you just go to a car dealership and they give you what you want. If they can't do it, then they say no we can't do that. Not, "Let me go get my manager, I don't know if we can do that, blah, blah, blah" Three hours later, I had what I wanted. Why couldn't we save my three hours and yours (you could have sold ANOTHER car in that time?) and just skip the BS and give me what I wanted? I grew up in the car business. I know how it works! You can take a loss on a car in order to sell it and Honda will give you more incentives. Its mid month and in the three hours that I've been here, no one has been in the finance office. You're day is pretty crappy. I do have a uterus but that doesn't make me stupid. I fake my excitement, but not so deep down, it would not hurt me at all to walk away from this deal. I don't care. I know what I want and I'm. Not. Budging. I'm still trying to decide which one is more painful: Buying a car or buying a house.
So, should I buy kid name stickers for the back? How about those stick figure people? Too much?
Yes, it is one of the AWESOME ones but it still doesn't change the fact that it is one of the things that I said I would NEVER do. (I've stuck my foot in my mouth a lot lately with the NEVER things, ie: I would NEVER work for a place that involved any sort of nepotism (I am thoroughly enjoying this one. Susan Alexander is AMAZING. She is truly darling and I love her to PIECES!) It's a Honda Odyssey. It's beautiful, and big, and safe, and has BLUETOOTH and XM satellite radio (I choked up a little bit when I programmed the 90's station) and totally awesome back up camera! How freakin' cool is THAT! Tahoe didn't have THAT! Pilot didn't have THAT!
Everyone has a seat. It doesn't take 5 minutes to load everyone and find their seat belt plug in thingies. I don't worry about the girls being in the third row because there is space between the third row and the back of the car. It has 5 star crash ratings on front and rear collisions and safety features to boot. Cooper doesn't kick the back of my seat when I'm driving.
Buying the car was a nightmare. Why can't you just go to a car dealership and they give you what you want. If they can't do it, then they say no we can't do that. Not, "Let me go get my manager, I don't know if we can do that, blah, blah, blah" Three hours later, I had what I wanted. Why couldn't we save my three hours and yours (you could have sold ANOTHER car in that time?) and just skip the BS and give me what I wanted? I grew up in the car business. I know how it works! You can take a loss on a car in order to sell it and Honda will give you more incentives. Its mid month and in the three hours that I've been here, no one has been in the finance office. You're day is pretty crappy. I do have a uterus but that doesn't make me stupid. I fake my excitement, but not so deep down, it would not hurt me at all to walk away from this deal. I don't care. I know what I want and I'm. Not. Budging. I'm still trying to decide which one is more painful: Buying a car or buying a house.
So, should I buy kid name stickers for the back? How about those stick figure people? Too much?
Right now, I'm just a girl with an expensive camera and Photoshop. Every once in a while I pull out the camera and shoot. I haven't had the time lately to devote to learning the camera and the settings so I've mostly been shooting in Auto and Aperture Mode. One of these years I will learn more though. Here are some of my recent pics that I'm pretty excited about.
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| I want to make the sky more blue, but don't have the patience to work with it right now. |
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| I like this one for the B&W effect. And the toothless grin. I'm a sucka for toothless grins. |
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.....the dance. I am disgruntled with the dance. I love seeing Sara enjoy herself. I love seeing her after all of the work is done. But I absolutely detest and loathe getting her ready for a dance recital.
Today we had the dress rehearsal for the Christmas Recital tomorrow. The dress rehearsal is at a nursing home. Great. Two of my *favorite* things in one place. The dance and nursing homes. The smell of hairspray and urine just flips my frickin' lid. (The lesser PMSing side of Christina would like to express, that she thinks its a sweet idea to have the rehearsal at the nursing home. I get a little weepy at the sparkling smiles from the octogenarians.)
I'm never on time to these things. I woke up 3 hours early to get there by 9:45a.m. I fed everyone breakfast and even did a little laundry. I even had an entire hour scheduled out to deal with hair! It went a little something like this....
8:00a.m. "Sara where's your tights?" Found them with a GIANT runner down the leg. Found last years tights and threw in the washer.
8:20a.m. Start the hair. Brush it out to the sounds of her wailing and screaming like I'm ripping her fingernails out. Subconsciously thinking of cutting all of her hair off. Hermione looks cute now, right? Pull into a pony tail. Bobby pin and hair spray a million fly away hairs into place. Decide which looks worse? A thousand pins or fly away hair? Remove most of the pins and hair spray the crap out of it. Twist pony tail into a bun and pin the crap out of it, to get it to stay in place. Attach "fake hair". (I am so mad at myself for this purchase. It doesn't even match her natural hair color, but unless you're standing right next to her you can't tell. And if you're going to judge me on the color of my child's fake hair then you can go....F) Hair is done. Crap. She's in a t-shirt. Contemplate cutting the t-shirt off of her????
8:40a.m. Cooper has now "downloaded" into his diaper big time and has hidden the wet wipes. Spend 10 minutes trying to find wet wipes, changing his diaper, cleaning his hands because he wanted to "help".
8:50a.m. - 8:55 am. Waiting for tights to dry. They're only tights right, this shouldn't take too long. Screw it. I'll blow dry them.
9:00a.m Tights on but she's whining because they're "wet". I explain they're "damp", if she would like to know what wet tights really feel like, I could show her. Have you ever done the splits on a wet football field? Or peed on yourself during the high kick routine because you didn't have time to go to the restroom before half time? That's wet tights sister.
Costume on. Here's the problem. My Sara is tall. She has long legs and a long torso. Her costume was designed to fit someone about two inches shorter than her. The top of it hit right at her "chi chi" level. If she moved any it would move down and her chi chi's were out. Poor girl. I yanked and pulled and wedgied and pinned that stupid costume to spare her the nick name Janet Jackson. Done.
Balls!! Why is the Mystery Machine on her arm!! How in blue blazes am I going to get that OFF!! Found box of alcohol pads I've had since doing the girls IVF cycle. Luckily they weren't dried out and I was able to scrub off Scooby and the Gang, but left a giant red splotch.
Make Up and I've lost all complete sense of time. Putting make up on her perfect skin feels like a crime. Who cares if it looks good on stage?! I think innocence and natural are far better. Stupid blood red lipstick is broke in half. I don't have a lip brush. How the crap am I going to do this? It goes on messily and I use an alcohol pad make it look somewhat correctly applied and to not look like she applied it herself.
Herd the worms into the car and of course it's out of gas. Of course at the gas station all of the pumps are full and I get behind the woman who is just sitting there. She's not pumping. She's just sitting there in her car. Looking around. I am very successful to suppress the slur of explicatives I want to spew but feel they would ruin the feel of the car as Emily and Sara are singing Jingle Bells in the back seat. That's not festive talk. Sputter down the road on fumes to the next gas station.
We make it to the rehearsal with 1 minute to spare. Hurry up and wait because we're number 16. Oh joy, and I get to do it all again tomorrow.
Today we had the dress rehearsal for the Christmas Recital tomorrow. The dress rehearsal is at a nursing home. Great. Two of my *favorite* things in one place. The dance and nursing homes. The smell of hairspray and urine just flips my frickin' lid. (The lesser PMSing side of Christina would like to express, that she thinks its a sweet idea to have the rehearsal at the nursing home. I get a little weepy at the sparkling smiles from the octogenarians.)
I'm never on time to these things. I woke up 3 hours early to get there by 9:45a.m. I fed everyone breakfast and even did a little laundry. I even had an entire hour scheduled out to deal with hair! It went a little something like this....
8:00a.m. "Sara where's your tights?" Found them with a GIANT runner down the leg. Found last years tights and threw in the washer.
8:20a.m. Start the hair. Brush it out to the sounds of her wailing and screaming like I'm ripping her fingernails out. Subconsciously thinking of cutting all of her hair off. Hermione looks cute now, right? Pull into a pony tail. Bobby pin and hair spray a million fly away hairs into place. Decide which looks worse? A thousand pins or fly away hair? Remove most of the pins and hair spray the crap out of it. Twist pony tail into a bun and pin the crap out of it, to get it to stay in place. Attach "fake hair". (I am so mad at myself for this purchase. It doesn't even match her natural hair color, but unless you're standing right next to her you can't tell. And if you're going to judge me on the color of my child's fake hair then you can go....F) Hair is done. Crap. She's in a t-shirt. Contemplate cutting the t-shirt off of her????
8:40a.m. Cooper has now "downloaded" into his diaper big time and has hidden the wet wipes. Spend 10 minutes trying to find wet wipes, changing his diaper, cleaning his hands because he wanted to "help".
8:50a.m. - 8:55 am. Waiting for tights to dry. They're only tights right, this shouldn't take too long. Screw it. I'll blow dry them.
9:00a.m Tights on but she's whining because they're "wet". I explain they're "damp", if she would like to know what wet tights really feel like, I could show her. Have you ever done the splits on a wet football field? Or peed on yourself during the high kick routine because you didn't have time to go to the restroom before half time? That's wet tights sister.
Costume on. Here's the problem. My Sara is tall. She has long legs and a long torso. Her costume was designed to fit someone about two inches shorter than her. The top of it hit right at her "chi chi" level. If she moved any it would move down and her chi chi's were out. Poor girl. I yanked and pulled and wedgied and pinned that stupid costume to spare her the nick name Janet Jackson. Done.
Balls!! Why is the Mystery Machine on her arm!! How in blue blazes am I going to get that OFF!! Found box of alcohol pads I've had since doing the girls IVF cycle. Luckily they weren't dried out and I was able to scrub off Scooby and the Gang, but left a giant red splotch.
Make Up and I've lost all complete sense of time. Putting make up on her perfect skin feels like a crime. Who cares if it looks good on stage?! I think innocence and natural are far better. Stupid blood red lipstick is broke in half. I don't have a lip brush. How the crap am I going to do this? It goes on messily and I use an alcohol pad make it look somewhat correctly applied and to not look like she applied it herself.
Herd the worms into the car and of course it's out of gas. Of course at the gas station all of the pumps are full and I get behind the woman who is just sitting there. She's not pumping. She's just sitting there in her car. Looking around. I am very successful to suppress the slur of explicatives I want to spew but feel they would ruin the feel of the car as Emily and Sara are singing Jingle Bells in the back seat. That's not festive talk. Sputter down the road on fumes to the next gas station.
We make it to the rehearsal with 1 minute to spare. Hurry up and wait because we're number 16. Oh joy, and I get to do it all again tomorrow.
